Not Having Control May Lead To Danger

Question: I see things, hear things and have what I call "bad moments". In these bad moments I act not at all myself, doubt reality, am convinced those close to me are out to get me, and am sometimes suicidal, once the moment is over, I struggle to remember it. I have mood swings where I'm perfectly happy one moment, and angry and taciturn, and sometimes holding back strong feelings of violence. Also, it is difficult for me to fall asleep, and once I do I have terrible nightmares. I don't have any traumatizing event in my past. Do you have any idea what could be causing this? Possibly some mental disorder that explains it? I'm scared to seek help.

Answer: You say you are scared to seek help yet you are more scared of what's happening to you. Having moments when we are not in control of ourselves is a very big deal. Because, when we are not in control of our emotions and behaviors, we sometimes do dangerous things.   Although you say you don't have childhood trauma, it seems that something may have affected you as if it was a trauma. I wonder what the nightmares are about. It's not going to go away until you go to therapy and try some medication. Holding back feelings of violence may be working for you temporarily, but what if the day comes when you act on the feelings...will someone get hurt, will you hurt yourself??? I know that's not how you want this suffering to end. You must see a psychiatric professional. You can feel better with help.