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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Top 3 Reasons You Know Your Blood is Overrun with Neanderthal DNA

Ever since the science peeps announced that some of us are directly related to Neanderthals, I thought it would be important to be able to identify those of us with the direct link. After some in-depth googling activities, here are the top three "Neanderthal DNA is in me" identifiers:

1. You love buffets and game dinners. Neanderthals are scavengers. Yup. Neanderthals sometimes ate any dead animal they happened to come across. Like a vulture. I always wondered why some people love buffets. I never got it...that sneeze guard is not low enough for the 7-10 year old crowd. In fact, those little kids touch the food and cough and sneeze right onto it! But some people still eat it! And those game dinners. Have you ever heard of those. Yeah, a bunch of hunters go out and kill all kinds of weird animals...bears, reindeer, wild boar, deer, and already dead dolphins (cause there is some rule about not killing a dolphin to eat it). Then some crazy chefs make delectable treats like ham of black bear, leg of mountain sheep, broiled rabbit, squirrel barbecue, and reindeer testicles! Remember that Fear Factor episode where they ate reindeer testicles? Yup...Neanderthals! If you don't have Neanderthal DNA, you can't try out for fear factor.

2. You use your teeth as tools. Opening cans, zipping up zippers, gnawing off your own leg that's stuck in a trap...that's some hearty Neanderthal DNA! Some people chew their nails. That doesn't count. Some people chew glass. That counts. Oh...and swallowing knives and eating fire...definitely Neanderthal DNA.

3. You vacation in caves. You belong to a grotto club, you spelunk, and you call yourself a "caver." You are dazzled by the underworld! You've been to mammoth caves, Lost River caves, Crystal Cave, Lockport caves, Missouri caves, Wild cave, Cave of the Winds, Ozark caves, and you like the website...caves.org. You spend your evenings in the "cavechat" online community. You wear one of those super-cool helmets with the light on top. You know the difference between stalagmites and stalactites (I needed to use spell check to spell those right!) You have a bumper sticker that says, "Caves are Cool."

So what do you think? Are you a direct descendant? See...all those years you thought you were...well...different. But now there is a scientific reason for your uniqueness, you are a Neanderthal spawn! Congratulations!
Laura NP