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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Food, Fatness, and Conjecture

Food containers are getting smaller and smaller and the prices aren't changing! It's been on a few news shows. There are several theories as to why this is happening...

1. Michelle Obama: Oh yes! She is obsessed with our weight! She makes me want to eat even more just for spite! Why does she continue to tell us what to do? I bet she gathered all the foodie CEOs and said, "Look here, let's shrink the packaging, give fatties less food for the dollar, and we have a win-win situation!" People will lose weight like Mrs. Obama wants, businesses will make money off us as we get less product for our money, and the health insurance companies will have a 350% profit year instead of a 250% profit year because we will be so healthy we won't need any urgent health care related to fatness!

2. The metric system has finally confused Americans to the point of total stupidity: Maybe it's all an illusion? That damn metric system we learned in third grade continues to haunt us!  Is that ice cream sundae 1 pound of all-American goodness or 0.45 kilograms of an unsatisfying mini taste? Oh weight...1 pound IS 0.45 kilograms! Hmmm....which sounds like more?? How much can I eat?? How much should I eat?? Damn metric system!

3. Einstein's theory of relativity: So this super-genius brainiac said something about size and volume being relative. Something only appears larger or smaller from our relative point of view. Yeah! This is how most Americans role! Mind games people....mind games! I'm not fat! I just look fat from that angle you are standing at! Where are those carnival fun mirrors when you need them.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I' m A "Ho" And So Are You!

How many times did you do something you did not want to do? Me too...bunches of times! Got coerced by my boss, got coerced by my parents, got coerced by my teachers and on and on. Let's start with the definition of coercion.

Coercion is forcing another party to behave in an involuntary manner.

I hate it when I'm coerced! At work, the union tried to get me to join, Yup, they talked a fancy-flowery-let's-hold-hands-and-be-as-one with a power point presentation. I think unions would waterboard  people if they could....to get them to join that is. 

James Garfield said a law is not a law without coercion behind it. There are all kinds of weird laws that coerce us.     

"Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us."  PJ O'Rourke said that. It's true. We have been coerced by our "pimp!"  Here are just a few of the mind tricks we turn:

1. We believe NPR, FOX, MSNBC are unbiased.
2. We believe priests, doctors, and scientists unconditionally.
3. We let airport workers touch our junk.
4. We think health care is a constitutional right. 
5. We believed Obama when he said, "We need earmark reform, and when I'm President, I will go line by line to make sure that we are not spending money unwisely."

Yup...we have been coerced into turning mind tricks for the government.  We are "hos."  I'm so ashamed,,,Let's go to rehab.