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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Union Smackdown!

The American motto "Greed is Good" is finally catching up with the unions. For decades we have kowtowed to the unions excessive demands and finally we are fighting back! We should all be mad...mad at how the unions played a HUGE role in the demise of America. That's right, the unions will now take their place in the history books as a key player in bankrupting each and every state that kissed those corrupt union booties!

Ok, quick little history lesson: unions were once good. It's true, The Boston Tea Party, unions improving worker's conditions, gaining legal protection for us peons from our exploiting employers, instituting industrial safety, regulating child labor. All good stuff! And we thank you! But somewhere along the good deeds route, the unions came upon a fork in the road and chose the greedy path of corruption.

And so here we are. Thank you Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin for saying we ain't gonna take it anymore! He is awaiting the passage of a bill that eliminates public employees collective bargaining rights. Yea Scott!

The unions are victims of their own success. Union-made products have become so expensive we all started buying foreign-made stuff. Union leaders kept demanding more and more with their irrational pensions, unsustainable health care benefits, and their outrageous wages...that we are now in major debt and buying Chinese cars!

The unions corrupt power must be dissolved! There are millions of people ready to take over their jobs! People who would be so happy to have a job! People who would be proud of the work they do no matter what it is! You all know what I'm saying here...we have all worked with union members who are so entitled they sit around and don't do their jobs! I'll say it...many, many union workers have taken advantage of their employers and have done a crap ass job but are allowed to keep their jobs because of the union! Disgusting!!

Union members who partake in that bullshit...you know who you are...and now you are outed!! You should be ashamed.

Standing ovation for Governor Scott Walker!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Common Sense List: What NOT To Buy Your Girl For V Day

Monday is Valentine's Day. The pressure to come up with an original-thoughtful-caring-gift-of-love gets more complicated every year! So stressful! Who can compete!?! Not to mention when a man is "blinded by love," his common sense blows out the window! So here is a friendly reminder of the top 3 things NOT to buy your girl for Vday!

1. A Teddy Bear: Just don't do it! That damn bear company sells bears in all kinds of outfits. Tutus, lingerie, combat gear, panties, mailman outfits, aprons, pjs, hats, leather, stilettos! And ladies, when you get the bear, please don't keep it on your bed! Creepy! Gentlemen, we don't want a stuffed animal wearing clothes, ok?

2. Pajamas:  No, no no. They keep advertising those pjs with the feet and the hoodie and the tag line is something about "just like the ones she had when she was little." Creepy again! If I want footie-hoodie pjs, I'll buy them myself and only wear them when I'm completely alone. I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt is NOT buying Angelina Jolie footie-hoodie pjs!

3. Vacuum cleaners/pots/pans/dusters/cooking ware: TThis category speaks for itself. Ladies, if you get anything in this category, please break up with your man. Seriously...it's a deal breaker.

Good Luck Guys!

Don't overdo the benadryl

Question: They gave my mother benadryl in the hospital to calm her down but she got wild! She is 84 and the doctor said benadryl helps calm people down when they are nervous. So what happened? Is she allergic to it?

Click on comments to read Laura's advice.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

American Nut Job

A short story that may be partially true, or all true, or not true at all...you decide.

Some people swore that the house was haunted. I heard voices; that’s for sure, but I never saw anything. As a matter of fact there was nothing out of the ordinary in my Grandma’s house except for the voices. And when I hear the banshee, it reminds me of the smell of blood-stained leather... a sort of tangy raw stench.

Soon I'll be surrounded by the scent again. Wrists and ankles encased, pants lowered to expose a small square of skin just wide enough to accept a 2 inch needle. It will happen the same as always, a behavioral mystery I find half controls me. Only half I say because if I really think about it I control at least half... maybe all... of my pseudo-scheduled visit to the psychiatric ER.

You see, I'm an official American nut job. That's what they call me behind the sound-proof glass where the nurses eat drink and be merry.  My grand entrance is anticipated as it is about 6 to10 days after the first of the month that my social security disability check is used up. Not for rent, food, clothes...but for an 8 ball, a bundle, a pint, a quart, a carton. 

I hope they don't put me in a room with a demented grandpa again. Now those are the real crazy people. You can't really blame them when they go commando and start choking you. If anyone ever tells me I've got that Alzheimer’s, I'm doing like that lady in the paper did.

She was only 65. I say only because these days women live till like 85 or something. So she finds out from some bone-headed Indian doctor that she's got the dementia. Well things are pretty much over at that point. It starts with losing your car keys and ends with you shitting yourself and screaming racial slurs at the nurse.

So I liked this lady's idea. She hears the news from the doctor...it’s confirmed, she’s got the Alzheimer’s. So she waits till dark, puts on her nightgown, brushes her teeth, says goodnight, and walks to the highway. She waits...then with all the courage and bravery of a marine she runs.  Her bare feet defiant to the rocks and litter on the side of the road. Her nightgown billowing like the American flag proudly moving in the wind.  She faces the oncoming traffic like superman and steps in front of a truck that cannot break in time.

Old people have guts. "Pass me that pipe," my buddy says. He yells it again and I forgot about the old lady for a minute. "Oh yeah dude, here you go." This month our motel room is on the top floor. That's not good. People below us complain about the noise. I might be heading to the ER tonight if we get kicked out.

I like the ambulance ride. I tell the same story every ride. You know, the story about the haunted house. How ever since I was in that haunted house I’ve been hearing voices...ghost voices I’m sure. But the doctor’s say its “auditory hallucinations.” And they keep giving me a shot of some kind of medicine to “make the voices go away.” And the voices do go away, so I don’t know if there were ghosts or not now. And I don’t know what’s real or not now.

That medicine...that stinging, stabbing, shot did something to me. It changed me. Nothing was ever the same again after that.