Alpha Mom vs. Buddhist Mom

Question: My 17 year old daughter is rude, she says she is just straight forward, she is not false like me. She is manipulative, demanding. I have been divorced twice from demanding, controlling abusive aggressive men. She is upset that I divorced her father when she was 3 years old. My daughter and I used to do everything together when she was young. I was trying to be the best wife and mother. She is difficult the last 2 years. Its 3 years since I have been divorced from my 2nd husband. She hates him and has also blamed me that I married him in the first place. My 1 collegue, 2 of her father's friends and my 1 friend has told me that she is a very difficult person to live with and that she is rude. She was always my little angel, I was always so proud of her. Now she makes everyone unhappy, my 9 year old son in tears and my lapdogs aggressive. When he is in front of the computer she just demands that he gets up and she takes over the computer. A lot of people say that I am too soft on her. She has told me several times that she does not want me to read nor play games, gardening, playing with the dogs, visiting my friends - things I enjoy doing. She wants me to watch movies with her, she wants to spend time with me and wants us to do things together like going to the lodge bar, playing cards with her and her friends (which is not my place I feel), teaching her to drive. She can drive, but is still battling with the parking. It just seems she is unsatisfied with everything and appreciates nothing. I did not want internet or a laptop, she wanted it, I bought it after several heated arguments and she got it and she still is not happy. She wants me to cook her breakfast, lunch and dinner, I only do dinners. Then she goes and tells everyone that there is no food in the house. There is food, she just does not want to make it – sandwiches, cereals, eggs, meat, etc). I just want peace in my house and to relax weekends. I do not want to have to entertain her or keep her busy! We live in a small town, her father lives in the city. I am always there for my kids for a nice chat, I have even talked to my daughter Saturday until 4 the morning and it was nice. Her father works a lot and is seldom home, when she goes to visit him she demands that I go with. She is in a private boarding school in a town nearby me. She complains she is alone at her father’s house and she also feels lonely during the day at my house when I work. I have asked her to help me with the cooking and house cleaning as I feel this is also spending time together, but she does not want to. Her father has bipolar. I have tested her. She does not have bipolar. She did go see a psychiatrist, but he lives in a city far away. The psychiatrist said she is a very intellegent adult person and its been years that he met someone as interesting as her. He is just very worried about the fact that our mother daughter role seems reversed. She acts like she is my mother. How do I get this right? He lives to far away to go and see. Should I take all her privileges away, should I smack her bottom?

Answer: There is a fork in the road and you must choose a route. Neither route is right or wrong. They are both journeys.

Rick Hanson, in his book Buddha's Brain, said, "If you can be without the pleasant without chasing after it, with the unpleasant without resisting it, and with the neutral without ignoring it- then you have cut the chain of suffering, and that is an incredible blessing!"

The first path is a journey of meditation and mindfulness. Rediscover your virtue by regulating your actions, words, thoughts in order to find your safe place. This path is about finding yourself. Your question reflects all the "wrongs" that you believe others are doing to you. You present yourself as a victim. Is that how you want us to think of you? Perhaps you believe that if you don't control people then things won't turn out right. But...maybe it's not that they won't turn out right; maybe it's that they won't turn out the way you want them to. On this path, you imagine letting people develop responsibility for themselves. You meet mistreatment head on with loving kindness. You accept that you can not and do not control others. Choose this path if you want peace.

The second path is the primitive choice of taking action to become the alpha dog. To be the alpha, you must control the games, control the food, control the sleep, and control the social interactions. You must eat before all others, you must walk through doorways first. If you establish eye contact with another, the other person must avert their gaze first! Only give attention when YOU want to. Choose this path if you desire power.

Stephen Gaskin(2005): "Described karma as hitting golf balls in a shower. Often our attempts at payback just get in the way of balls already ricocheting back toward the person who sent them flying in the first place. "




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Timestamp: Tuesday, May 22, 2012