Alpha Mom vs. Buddhist Mom

Question: My 17 year old daughter is rude, she says she is just straight forward, she is not false like me. She is manipulative, demanding. I have been divorced twice from demanding, controlling abusive aggressive men. She is upset that I divorced her father when she was 3 years old. My daughter and I used to do everything together when she was young. I was trying to be the best wife and mother. She is difficult the last 2 years. Its 3 years since I have been divorced from my 2nd husband. She hates him and has also blamed me that I married him in the first place. My 1 collegue, 2 of her father's friends and my 1 friend has told me that she is a very difficult person to live with and that she is rude. She was always my little angel, I was always so proud of her. Now she makes everyone unhappy, my 9 year old son in tears and my lapdogs aggressive. When he is in front of the computer she just demands that he gets up and she takes over the computer. A lot of people say that I am too soft on her. She has told me several times that she does not want me to read nor play games, gardening, playing with the dogs, visiting my friends - things I enjoy doing. She wants me to watch movies with her, she wants to spend time with me and wants us to do things together like going to the lodge bar, playing cards with her and her friends (which is not my place I feel), teaching her to drive. She can drive, but is still battling with the parking. It just seems she is unsatisfied with everything and appreciates nothing. I did not want internet or a laptop, she wanted it, I bought it after several heated arguments and she got it and she still is not happy. She wants me to cook her breakfast, lunch and dinner, I only do dinners. Then she goes and tells everyone that there is no food in the house. There is food, she just does not want to make it – sandwiches, cereals, eggs, meat, etc). I just want peace in my house and to relax weekends. I do not want to have to entertain her or keep her busy! We live in a small town, her father lives in the city. I am always there for my kids for a nice chat, I have even talked to my daughter Saturday until 4 the morning and it was nice. Her father works a lot and is seldom home, when she goes to visit him she demands that I go with. She is in a private boarding school in a town nearby me. She complains she is alone at her father’s house and she also feels lonely during the day at my house when I work. I have asked her to help me with the cooking and house cleaning as I feel this is also spending time together, but she does not want to. Her father has bipolar. I have tested her. She does not have bipolar. She did go see a psychiatrist, but he lives in a city far away. The psychiatrist said she is a very intellegent adult person and its been years that he met someone as interesting as her. He is just very worried about the fact that our mother daughter role seems reversed. She acts like she is my mother. How do I get this right? He lives to far away to go and see. Should I take all her privileges away, should I smack her bottom?

Answer: There is a fork in the road and you must choose a route. Neither route is right or wrong. They are both journeys.

Rick Hanson, in his book Buddha's Brain, said, "If you can be without the pleasant without chasing after it, with the unpleasant without resisting it, and with the neutral without ignoring it- then you have cut the chain of suffering, and that is an incredible blessing!"

The first path is a journey of meditation and mindfulness. Rediscover your virtue by regulating your actions, words, thoughts in order to find your safe place. This path is about finding yourself. Your question reflects all the "wrongs" that you believe others are doing to you. You present yourself as a victim. Is that how you want us to think of you? Perhaps you believe that if you don't control people then things won't turn out right. But...maybe it's not that they won't turn out right; maybe it's that they won't turn out the way you want them to. On this path, you imagine letting people develop responsibility for themselves. You meet mistreatment head on with loving kindness. You accept that you can not and do not control others. Choose this path if you want peace.

The second path is the primitive choice of taking action to become the alpha dog. To be the alpha, you must control the games, control the food, control the sleep, and control the social interactions. You must eat before all others, you must walk through doorways first. If you establish eye contact with another, the other person must avert their gaze first! Only give attention when YOU want to. Choose this path if you desire power.

Stephen Gaskin(2005): "Described karma as hitting golf balls in a shower. Often our attempts at payback just get in the way of balls already ricocheting back toward the person who sent them flying in the first place. "




Submitted @ http://www.eleventhhourllc.com/online-advice/submit-a-question.aspx
Timestamp: Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Get Over Test Anxiety

Question: Hello, I have test anxiety really bad and these Science MCA's are approaching very soon. These are very important tests to me and I can't handle myself. I have asked if I could take the test in a room without other students. She said I could if I talked to a doctor about this. So, here I am; can anyone help me please?

Answer: You certainly can go see a psychiatric clinician to explain how you need a note to have special accommodations for the exams.  Or, you can march yourself right in front of a mirror and look yourself straight in the eye and tell yourself, "I know the material on this test, I am prepared and calm. I am successful."  Stop the negative thoughts. Your negative thoughts and worry are causing the physical anxiety you are feeling. And...your positive thoughts will cause the calm and success you crave right now. The power and the peace are within you.

Life Of Julia! ...Now At A Theater Near You

Have you read the reviews? The sci-fi summer blockbuster hit Life of Julia has just been released by the acclaimed director Barack Obama!

The heroine, Julia, is a cartoon girl whose life we follow through a maze of government programs that she simply can't live without!  It's setting is the beautiful shorelines of Greece and it takes a little suspension of disbelief to remember that its an American story.  But hey, that's why we love sci-fi movies!

The movie starts off with an urgency as the heroine suddenly needs the Head Start Program to help her blossom in elementary school. But within minutes, the villains swoop in and spew statistic after statistic that proves the program is useless.  Spoiler alert!!   ...Julia slays the villains with her cross and bow and moves on through school to eventually get into college. Wow! It's a thriller too!

In college, our heroine easily glides through life without worries because her parents are paying her health insurance until she is 27! She can drink and smoke and use birth control all without worrying about the health consequences because she is covered!

The movie starts dragging a bit in the middle as Julia has a baby out of wedlock.  She refuses to divulge the baby daddy and the theme of men getting away without having to be accountable causes the patriarchal government to rescue our poor Julia and give her food stamps and baby formula so she stays quiet and oppressed. Our Julia becomes content and doesn't join the women's movement. She eventually files for bankruptcy because her student loans doubled their interest rate in a sudden plot twist!

She tries to start her own web business but becomes so bogged down in government regulations and taxes that even her trusted bow and arrow fail to cut through the red tape.  A sad ending ...but a sequel is already in the air as her son heads off to elementary school and the infamous head start program.

Well the reviews are all in:

"This is a naive director with so little insight you wonder what comic books he's been reading." - New York Observer          Oops!...this review was about the movie Bullhead, but it works for this movie too!


"A perfectly enjoyable film, as long as you let go of a few glaringly obvious contradictions." -John Anderson, News Day    Oops!...this review was about the movie Legally Blonde, but it works for this movie too!


"This film can't figure out where to go with its concept and increasingly unravels as it marches along." -Kenneth Turan, LA Times   Oops!...this review was about the movie Legally Blonde, but it works for this movie too! 


Government "help" to business is just as disastrous as government persecution... the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off. Oops! ...this is a quote from Ayn Rand, but it works for this movie too!

My Husband And His Female Coworker

Question: My husband is a truckdriver. He has just decided to become a team driver with a straight woman and he did not tell me until after the fact. He swears it's for the money and he's not attracted to her but to me this is a deal breaker. Should  a decision such as this not be discussed with your wife? I am ready to divorce him.

Answer: I definitely don't think it's a deal breaker. I'm not sure why your reaction is so severe. Are you worried about your husband cheating on you? Do you trust him? Perhaps he has done things in the past that have caused you to react so negatively. He is making a career choice, not a relationship choice. Be supportive. Don't fret about something that is nothing. It is not ok to accuse him of something you think may happen in the future. It is great he has a job he likes and is able to advance into a position to make more money for your family.