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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Should You Hook Up with an Ex or Not?

Question: Okay so this guy I was best friends with for 3 years and I finally got together in a relationship back in February. Since then, he left the state and we broke up. For me, it's a lot easier to get over someone after a breakup if I just cut off contact with them completely. But he must IM me like...3 separate times a day! Granted, we DON'T talk romantically nor do mentionings of hooking up ever happen, but I can't help but think that if he keeps talking to me, despite his new and exciting life in another state, that he's trying to retain contact with me (maybe just because we're best friends--or at least once were) because he still has feelings for me. I still have feelings for him. We'd discussed when we knew our relationship was coming to an end the prospect of hooking up when he comes back home, though. He's coming home for the first time next week since I last saw him in June. And he's still consistently been talking to me online. What do you think? Is he going to try to hook up with me? I really don't think I'm going to be the one to initiate anything for fear of looking stupid and being rejected and like I can't get over him. Should I decline if he DOES try?

Click on comments to read Laura's advice.


Eleventh Hour LLC said...

Dear Hi,
Just in case the reader's don't know, a "hook up" means having casual sex with someone. Kind of like a "booty call." The premise is that there are no strings attached. The problem here is, you have major feelings for this guy. There will be emotions involved and the outcome may hurt. I think if two people can openly talk about what they both want, and they both agree on the terms, then go for it. But you have to tell him what's going on for you. You can not sit back and "see what he does." Take charge of yourself. Tell him exactly what you want and how you feel. This can be very hard for some people to do. But once you get through the process a few times, you will feel empowered and in control of every situation you are in. So maybe say something like, "We had a wonderful relationship before you moved away. We talked about you moving and the possibility of a hook up. I've noticed that you text me and IM me a few times every day. I'm wondering what your intentions are? I need to hear from you if you want to be just friends, get back together, or have occassional hook ups. Then I will have to decide how I want things to be between us. I still have strong feelings for you but we need to be on the exact same page before we engage in anything together." Give it a try. Be in control! Good luck and let us know how things go for you.